How many times does a parent have to say ‘my child isn’t coping’ before someone really listens?

I look back at the email folder I have designated to Evie’s old secondary school with complete dismay. It’s not until you see and read something in its entirety that you see just how bad things can be.

We made the decision to remove Evie from school in Year 9, final term. The emails to school started early in year 7. So many emails, why did we wait so long?

The emails picked up pace in year 8, however Spring of Year 7 emails detailed: Feeling overwhelmed by tests and struggling to retain information. Finding Science particularly difficult. Struggling with Maths. Losing marks because online systems marked correctly understood answers wrong because of spelling. Spending excessive amounts of time on homework.

Losing confidence as a result.

These weren’t vague complaints. I gave the school plenty of specific examples of what Evie was struggling with and why.

By October in Year 8, the emails described a much bigger picture:

• Evie was coming home in tears most evenings.
• She felt she was behind in multiple subjects.
• She felt she wasn’t good at anything.
• She was disproportionately anxious about being asked questions in class.
• She was struggling socially and had very little confidence.
• Other children were making unkind comments about her appearance.
• She wasn’t eating before school.
• She was saying she hated school.

The issue was moving at pace from “my daughter is struggling academically” to “my daughter’s experience of school is affecting her emotional wellbeing.”

I kept asking what support was being put in place. I wasn’t just saying make school easier for her I was asking – What are her teachers actually doing differently? I asked for adaptations to teaching, homework, assessment and classroom support. I also pointed out that some things that worked for other pupils simply didn’t work for Evie’s particular learning needs.

I highlighted so many examples where she wasn’t supported effectively. One being her weekly set ‘APP based’ science homework. I explained exactly why the online task was difficult for her: processing information, spelling, recalling information and repeatedly re-entering answers on a different section of the screen. She needed to get 80% correct – if not, start again! The consequence was that homework became so distressing that we did it for her. She wasn’t learning anything either way.

There was a learning passport (a plan detailing how Evie may need support from teachers in place) but the existence of a plan wasn’t translating into consistent classroom support.

I contacted the school in May, then again in October, then again in November, with increasingly serious concerns.

By November, I explicitly said I was:

• frustrated;
• cross;
• concerned about the lack of support from teachers;
• worried about the impact on Evie’s happiness and state of mind;
• worried about her attitude towards learning;
• asking for the matter to be escalated;
• asking for a meeting because emails weren’t working.

And I asked a particularly important question: If she is already struggling this much in Year 8, how is she supposed to cope with GCSEs if the school can’t support her now?

The school did recognise my concerns existed and that additional action was considered necessary. Unfortunately events got much worse in Year 9 and we removed Evie in the Spring term. I wish looking back at the sets of emails I had the confidence and the knowledge to do something different sooner. Perhaps her self esteem would be higher now, perhaps her confidence would be sky high – and perhaps we would have done even more exciting subjects, in an even better order – more spread out and more tailored to her needs.

If you recognise any of this in your own child, my biggest piece of advice is: trust what you are seeing and keep asking questions.

You know your child. If they are coming home regularly in tears, saying they are stupid, telling you they can’t cope, becoming anxious about school, spending hours on homework or suddenly losing confidence in subjects they previously enjoyed, don’t dismiss it as “just school” or assume they will grow out of it.

Think about doing this:

Remember chronology is important.

Keep a record! It is so powerful and so important. Note all the dates down.

Don’t only talk about attainment – talk about feeling.

Be specific about what isn’t working.

Don’t be afraid to escalate. My biggest regret. I didn’t want to be the difficult parent, the one always complaining but all I can say now to you is have the confidence to raise your hand.

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash